Like A Retarded Kid LookIng At A Ferris Wheel

An Evening With Kevin Smith just ended and while I wish it could have gone on indefinitely I don't think my lungs could take anymore.

I have never laughed that hard. Ever. In my entire life. I laughed so hard I got light headed from lack of oxygen. At least I didn't pass out like the one guy who asked him a question. Seriously a dude passed out. Luckily three people caught him.

"You guys are like the Justice League!" Kevin exclaimed multiple times before deciding "Fuck the Justice League you guys are like Alpha Flight!"

The highlights are too many to count. And while i'm trying desperately to cling to all of the memories I'm sure I've forgotten a few. And I'm equally sure that they will come to me at the most inappropriate times causing me to burst into a fit of giggles.

I can't decide on a top story.

Maybe the story about how his miniature wiener dog got fucked by his golden retriever. "He didn't even really fuck her he wore her like a little doggie condom."

Maybe how when Harley admitted her knowledge of Zack and Miri's entire title (Zack and Miri Make A Porno) and they asked her if she knew what a porno was she replied "It's how you make a livin'"

Maybe about the benefits of convenience stores that deliver right to your bedroom.

Maybe about how when you're watching a movie on a 103 inch flat screen it's like you're in the movie. Especially Live Free Die Hard. ""cause i'm sitting there for the first bit chattin with Maclean and then all of a sudden a guy who looks just like me shows up. And i stand up and we're the same height..."

Maybe how he quizzed a gay couple about who was the top and who was the bottom and how much it would cost to get an onstage head-show.

Maybe how he coerced some kid into proposing to his girlfriend.

Maybe the one about how he smoked way too much weed and ate too much and got so big that he cracked the porcelain of a toilet seat. Not pulled it off of the water damaged wall, but actually cracked the porcelain. "Do you know how hard it is to crack porcelain without a hammer?" This was the concluding line to a story that described in-depth description of his wiping technique. HOw he used to pull front, like a chick, but his gut gets in the way now and he can't reach so he has to pull from behind. But it's an art in Kevin's case because he pulls one cheek to one side of the toilet and one to the other so the "shit can drop straight and not hit my ample ass cheeks". Then comes the first wipe where you get the big junk. Then comes a dig. yes a dig. "you wipe the toilet paper around your finger and dig. yeah that's kinda gay but if a chick wants to eat my ass I can be like, you'll have no problems down there."

I know I'm missing so much awesome. But my stomach hurts from laughing. I do have a few pictures and a super-sneaky video about Air Canada's revenge AND a t-shirt. But I don't know how to post videos and I'm too lazy to upload them.

I feel bad for anyone who wasn't there. Especially if they are fans of Kevin.

This man has no share-line. And I love every second of it.

EDIT: I knew I was going to forget a funny part: The first question of the evening was whether or not Jason Lee being a Scientologist had affected their relationship. So Kevin told us how he found out. They were sitting around before a reading for Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back and they were shooting the shit, and Scientology came up. So everyone was talking about how they eat babies, and how at the final class you find out that you're and alien. And through all of this Jason Lee was just looking uncomfortable so Kevin called him on it and Jason Lee was like "I know a bit about Scientology and I just want you to know that all of that is wrong." and Kevin was like what do you mean? and Jason Lee was like "I just know a lot about it." and Kevin was being all nice and shit being like "Dude are you a Scientologist? Because if you are that's cool just let us know." And Jason Lee said "Yeah I am." And Kevin responded "Oh you fucking idiot!" and they don't talk about it anymore...